DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So gin and wine won't be happening again
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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