If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize