seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
