last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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