I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
