dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
