Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
