Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
