life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
