dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I love you. Go after that dick
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize