we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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