I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize