i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
