i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's the barista slut.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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