hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
