An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
