And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
