then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
