A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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