Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
