I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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