Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
