my mouth tastes like poor choices
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize