I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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