hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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