Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
