I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
