I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I intend to get homeless drunk
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
