When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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