Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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