Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If I die, sorry about rent.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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