Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
two words...techno handjob
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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