I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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