you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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