I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
