Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
