I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
