omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How's work?
Spinning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize