turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
