..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
