Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Randomize
