There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
