Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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