I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
