I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
