So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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