I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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