He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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