Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
