SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no you cant smoke seaweed
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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