just tell him i said nine months
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
