I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You pole danced in your parka.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
