i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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