Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
