I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
