Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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