ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
