I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
