i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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