separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You were trust falling into bushes
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
