also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
