I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
