Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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