Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
